“Untitled” 9
18 Apr 2020
Stuck between conflicting beliefs
Simultaneously believing I am godly and shite
I am somehow stuck between insecure and vain
I wish to find a nice even between
Nothing too high, nothing too low
That sacred, golden medium is everything
But it does not exist, it is nothing
But the nothing matters
The little ways I find myself in the medium
Give me hope that I can fully embrace the middle road
Maybe. Hopefully. Probably I will get it one day
Gaining Ground
14 Apr 2020
Falling forward or falling backwards, you still end on the ground
Falling backwards, you will probably land on your ass
You’ll be as comfortable as any tripee could be
But you will be going backwards, losing progress, losing ground
Falling forward or falling backwards, you still end on the ground
Falling forward, you will probably land on your face
You’ll have an awful fall, as awful as any before it
But you will be going forwards, making progress, gaining ground
After standing up, you will be further ahead than before
You may be sore, and covered in bruises, but you have made ground
Keep the ground you have gained, keep falling forward
Any progress is good progress, as long as you are moving forward
Left, Right
14 Apr 2020
Currently, we are all standing at a crossroads
There are two paths laid before us, in my eyes
To the left lies civility, generosity, acceptance
To the right lies hostility, greed, tribalism
The path to the right is an easy road to walk,
One must simply believe that others are truly “other”
The rage behind it feels good, it fans the flames of our basest desires
By believing no “other” has merit, we can put ourselves on the moral high ground
We can live easy, knowing the lives of the “other” hold no merit
And be not concerned with them or their needs, sleeping easy at night
The left path is one much more daunting than the right
It takes strength to forgive past transgressions, to bury the hatchet
It goes against our instincts to not strike back at those who have struck us
The weapons of today force us to attempt walking this left path
Automatic and atomic weapons could so easily kill the “others”, and ourselves
Humanity has to evolve past our instincts, past our tribes,
Past this instinctual need we have for an enemy to watch for in the night
Or else we will end the “others”, and ourselves at the same time
I believe that we will get past this all, that enough members of humanity
Will choose this left, odd, against our instincts path, but I may be wrong
Many will not choose this left path, but we must not begrudge them for it
We must not attack them for it, for they are misguided by their instincts
Some will eventually turn, and when they do, we must walk our path, not strike back
Striking back for past transgressions will only further entrench them in their ideals,
Costing us all any chance they had at seeing the merits of civility, generosity, acceptance
It will be hard, and the early adopters of this path may catch heat for it
But in the end, for humanity to evolve past its instincts, in order to survive this atomic age, we must make a decision, to try and be better
I hope you will join me, in this fight for our futures, as it may be our last
I hope to see you all on the other side
“Untitled” 8
12 Apr 2020
Stuck between life and death
Lies a gray, macabre area
Filled with people like me
Somehow caught between
Looking forward to the
Peaceful rest of death
And wanting to live
In the shimmering beauty of the world
Not satisfied with either
Living and dying are both hard
Near constant apathy besets us
Trying to find the will to do either
I’ll stay stuck until something
Pushes me hard enough to either side
Who knows when that could happen
I buckle in for the ride
Worn
12 Apr 2020
On the surface, I seem fine
Some people may say well, even
But everything besides the surface
Is threadbare, is far too worn
My soul, my psyche, everything internal
Far too gone for only being 22
I drift through days, looking for good
But I am met with only bad
It grinds me down into dust
Slowly breaking me
The infrequent flashes of hope
Met by tiring times of sadness
A losing battle from the onset
But that’s not how I was raised
I am still set in my mindset
Looking for good at all times
Almost always met with bad
One day the grinding will be complete
But today I remain intact
Still searching for the good that I know
Resides in the hearts of my brothers and sisters
“Untitled” 7
12 Apr 2020
Bittersweet memories fill my dreams
Each night more aggressive than the last
Nothing seems to stop these subconscious thoughts
I try to fight back, but every retort is met with
Disdain, dismissal, anything but acceptance
Whether sober or inebriated, I can’t seem to find
The forgiveness I seek, the forgiveness I need
I can’t accept myself, and haven’t found it in others
I search for an oasis, hidden in the depths of my mind
A place to rest, a place to find some semblance of solace
But I seem fated to wander in the deep darks of my thoughts
One day I may find my peace, but today is not that day
Black Sheep
11 Apr 2020
Black sheep, prodigal son
I’m the one that’s hard to address
No one knows how to deal with me
I barely know how to deal with myself
Somewhere between proud and perplexed
They love the things I do
But they hate the things I say
My actions line up with their expectations
But my words deviate in ways that make them uncomfortable
Am I judged by my actions?
Or am I judged by my words?
Either way, I make them uncomfortable
I am the perpetually uncertain
I am the savior and the damned
All at the same time
No one knows how to deal with me
How could they, really?
When I don’t know how to deal with myself
“Untitled” 6
11 Apr 2020
Yearning for peace
Finding only turmoil
I hope I find peace one day
But I doubt it will happen
I’ll push as far as I can
Then burn out when I can’t
It’s a sad story to some
But it’s really all I wish for
To keep pushing till the end
And not giving up hope
“Untitled” 5
10 Apr 2020
I stay up all night to sort my feelings
But end up without control instead
There’s no way to control these things
I need an outlet, a way to let it out
But this world seems set on denying me
That dignity and that outlet
Still I mill around trying to
Figure out a productive way
To get out these negative feelings
To put them in to something constructive
But ambition and anger and anything
Remotely dangerous are frowned upon
Even though they help advance society
I’m floundering in my current place
But any method I use to get it out is wrong
I try anything and everything
But the things that help are not allowed
Fuck this world
And anything that denies the existent
Necessity of channeling these goddamn
Awful feelings
“Untitled” 4
10 Apr 2020
Unbridled rage and regrets
Rear their heads after everyone else
Goes to sleep, or to talk to their SOs
I need someone around
Or at least a good distraction
To keep me from these thoughts
“Fuck this” and a big hit
That’s all I want to keep me calm
I need to cause some sort of pain
To myself, or an inanimate object
Something to prove that these feelings exist
Beyond the feelings in my heart
And the words on my tongue
I need physical proof of some sort
To prove I’m still here
I can’t verify the validity of my existence
I need to make an impact to make sure
That my thoughts and feelings
Are still valid enough to bring up
“Untitled” 3
10 Apr 2020
Leave me to fend for myself
I can handle it
Please don’t leave me alone
I’m not prepared
Stuck between not wanting help
While also needing it
These days pass by
In a weird amalgamation of
Stress and relative relaxation
I live my life between these
Two ends of the spectrum
Quietly wishing for it all to be
Sorted out, or at least to have a
Clear plan in mind
There’s no helping with my uncertainty
I’m stuck and it feels like
I’ll always be in between
Peerless
4 Apr 2020
Peerlessly useless at nearly everything
Peerlessly skilled at useless things
This weird in between I experience
Is uniquely my own life
Trying to find markets for myself
But kind of failing and just getting by
Someone eventually will want a
Drunken depressed angry young man
I just may be a drunken depressed angry
Old man by then
Bravery
4 Apr 2020
Be brave in the face of the wind
For all it can do is blow
The raging gusts can hurt, can push
But it can never knock you down
Be brave in the face of the rain
For all it can do is fall
The tempestuous storm can beat you down
But it can never beat your ability to fight
Be brave in the face of the tide
For all it can do is flow
The awful surge may knock you down
But the surge will always recede
Be brave in the face of the mob
For all they can do is shout
Their words can pierce your mind
But they can never pierce your skin
Be brave in the face of everything
For all it can do is change
Everything will be different in time
But that does not take away your ability to adapt
Grey Area
4 Apr 2020
I’m grown up, but still a kid
Stuck in this weird gray area
Between an adult and a kid
Maybe I’ll never escape, but
I’ll try to find meaning in the
Time in between, seeing as
Everyone goes through it
I’m no different than anyone else
But my experiences are different
They’re mine and mine alone
No one can take them from me
And no one can say that I am wrong
Hangovers
4 Apr 2020
Tomorrow I’ll have to cope with
The consequences of tonight
Maybe it’d be better to phrase it as
This morning, because it never stops
With last night, it always goes until
This morning, and 4 hours from now
I’ll wake up, still halfway drunk
The stomach and headache coming
Reminders of why I shouldn’t be so quick
To drink all of this booze I buy
It kills my mind and liver
But also anything I’m thinking of
The short reprieve from thinking
Is almost worth the bullshit half-assed hangover tomorrow
Coping
4 Apr 2020
One more drink in my hand
Three more ounces of solace
Before I have to deal with
My life and the consequences
Of all my past actions and more
Still I stand, mind intact
Liver silently cursing my coping
Growing larger with every drink
Growing more distant with each drink
I’ll get over it eventually
But tonight, I have to cope
The problems I avoid tonight
Will seem much smaller in the morning
Glass
4 Apr 2020
Fragile as a pane of glass
Strong from most angles
Weak from more than a few
One day I will shatter
Unmistakably broken
I will break, lose it all
Still, until the day comes
I will stay strong
Letting in the sunshine
Keeping out the rain
Making sure of the shelter
Shelter for those I love
A safehaven, a stronghold
Enough to keep out the worst
I will stand until I break
Making sure everyone is safe
Silently neglecting myself
Until the pressure is too much
“Untitled” 2
2 Apr 2020
Dreaming once again
Stuck in my subconscious desires
Things I could, but probably won’t, be
Stuck with a million views of myself
All crammed in to one single blob
Of gray matter, crammed inside a skull
Synapses fire, images created
Showing what could be
If the desire to procrastinate
Wasn’t so damn high