On Steinbeck and Kerouac (Dualities)

26 Jan 2024

I love Steinbeck, but I hate the Kerouacs

I hate the beatniks, but love the boys east of eden,

How can a man love one, but not the other?

I think it’s a fear in me, of a place a little too close to home,

The little bit of drifter that resides in my soul,

The beatnik, the one who leaves all behind and goes away.

Kerouac hits it too hard, too on the nose for my comfort.

I still sometimes wish I could go away, but in a different sense,

Not the drifter who shrugs off responsibilities, 

But the soldier who misses the barracks, 

The man pulled wayward and westward by love,

The man who’s earned something, but it ain’t quite enough,

But he ain’t quite ready to let it all go, til he is.

The hypocrisy is there, and god I know it’s there, 

But I’m still a little ways away from finding a way to accept it all.

“Sins”

4 Sep 2022

Let me wash my sins away

Down the river they should go

For each morning is a new chance

It has an infant glow

Each day is a new beginning

No sorrows are left behind

From the long-lost day before

From Humanity being unkind

For as each new day dawns

Brand new lives begin

For every single one of us

Each days a chance to reign in

All the sins that we’re guilty of

Ours vices and our wrongs

Live our lives more virtuously

Be kind and generous and strong

But hardly one will take that chance

And no one out there will see

The human that takes that shot

Tries to do things as should be

Heavenly Father

4 Sep 2022

Heavenly Father

Wash away my sins

I knocked on the door

You didn’t let me in

You refused my entry

Said “I had more left”

Turned me around

Gave me one more chance

Depression

10 Aug 2021

Forsaken in life, forsaken in death

I am the one to be revered

For I lie not in any metaphysical plane

I lay outside it all

Somehow dead and alive, all at the same time

Alive and dead, yet still existing

The outward view of nothingness

Causing tantrums and comas

For what is there for a man reserved

To death, to life?

The nothingness in between is where I flourish

Living and dying matters not

I solely am, and solely am I

Nothing matters, yet everything does

The in between matters not, but matters most

I live in the middle of it all.

Is this what depression feels like?

“Untitled” 22

5 Jan 2021

Halls haunted

Mirrors broken

Never have I

Been so certain

Pictured clearer

Somehow brighter

I left the fight

I should have died in

Friendships gone

Duty forsaken

All held morals

Duly shaken

When will I

Chance again

Upon a death

A friendly end

“Untitled” 21

12 Dec 2020

Mothers weep

As children die

I’ll stick a needle

In my eye

The promise that I

Vowed to keep

Lies fallen, broken

Below my feet

No more strength

Can’t go on

Played with fire

Lost a thumb

Fire burns

Ashes fall

One more loss

Lost it all

Never be

The same again

All are gone

Family, friends

Lost my mind

Lost the time

Never ever

Will I be fine

“Untitled” 20

21 Nov 2020

Peacefully in the grass

The hero lays slain

The foe is defeated

And the day is saved

And the cheers rise again

A martyr, sacrificed

Everyone is saved

But still, who prays?

Who prays for the hero?

Everything given, but nothing else lost

Except for an existence

One bright enough to blind

Should we continue cheering?

For the sacrificial lamb?

The one who brought peace

Who defeated the evil before us?

“Untitled” 19

21 Nov 2020

If I should die tonight

Please, do not weep

It was my time

And my time it was

I’m in a better place

Where there is no pain

I hope you feel nothing

Except for acceptance

For every man must die

And man, I fucking died

Appreciation

6 Aug 2020

Life and death, two forces opposed

Are they really? I don’t think so

For without life, there is no death

For without death, there is no life

We travel the cycle endlessly

Between living and dying

Yet we fear death

Yet we revere life

They are one and the same

Traveling the same time beaten path

For without graves, we have no foundation

For without life, there is no meaning in death

Truly, it is better to see it as it is

Ignore the societal connotations

Without our fallen brethren, we have nothing to stand on

Without subsequent generations, there is no meaning to building

Both are equally important

Both are fundamental to our lives

Please stop revering only life

Take a second, and appreciate death

Time to Die

6 Aug 2020

When I am laid to final rest

I only have but one request

Friends and family, please don’t cry

It seems it was my time to die

I hope you come to say the best

Of times of laughter, fun and jest

Remember the good, not the bad

Please, oh please, do not be sad

I’ve lived my best, lived my longest

I’ve lived my worst, lived my wrongest

You have the tapestry of me

Inside the stories you share

Be not sad, for I shall live eternal

Eternally in your memories

“Untitled” 18

17 July 2020

To live, to breathe

To be ultimately free

To feel the beat of my feet

On asphalt underneath

Fields of green, cows in pasture

My eyes delight in utter rapture

Unfurl mine wings, flutter faster

Fill my lungs with air, with laughter

And when I breath my final breath

When I go to meet that solemn death

I hope I have the heart to say

“Today I lived, I seized the day.”

End of One Collection

“Untitled” 17 is the last in a group of poems I almost sent in for a couple of contests back in the day. I called it ‘Ruminations of a Threadbare Soul’. Pretentious, right? Well, now I just call that my PrETS era. After May 1st 2020 I still wrote, and write, poetry, but it’s not as frequent, and the poems aren’t nearly as dark. Anything before this post is post my PrETS era.

“Untitled” 17

1 May 2020

Tiny scars across the surface

Invisible to anyone taking a quick glance

The tapestry of my life is in them

All the pains, sorrows, happiness is held in them

Some are solidly closed, and will not be reopened

Some are half healed, waiting for a well-placed word

The soft new skin waiting for the chance to reopen

When they reopen, they burn like they did when

The wound was still fresh, tearing me up

Burning me down on the inside

My surface is still untouched, but my insides have

Long ago turned into a fiery inferno of everything at all times

Everything hurts, everything burns, nothing is safe to touch

One day it will all end, and my body will turn in to a limp corpse

The end of my days will be the end of my weeping, anger, of my everything

When the day comes, I hope I can graciously accept

The warm, dark, peaceful slumber of death

“Untitled” 16

1 May 2020

My friends once told me I need to stop drinking

And so I did, I stopped drinking for them

They thought the lack of alcohol would stop the anger

They thought the lack of alcohol would stop my sorrow

They think they are right, and I will tell them they are

But in all honesty, it is all still there, boiling under the surface

The only difference is I do not let it all out while sober

The alcohol lowers my inhibitions far enough that a tiny piece

Of the real me can poke its sad, angry, stupid head out

That tiny piece scares them, they may disown me if they knew the

Full extent of the emotions hiding behind my sober mind

If they knew like I know, maybe the tiny piece of me would not seem so bad

“Untitled” 15

1 May 2020

I put down the bottle

I put down the beer

It was probably a crutch

It was most definitely a crutch

Without it, I cannot seem to enjoy

The things I used to

Is happy at the bottom of a can?

I hope it is not, for it is a bleak future

Maybe I will end up alone

I might prefer that, actually

Then if I drink myself to sleep every night

There will be no one to judge me

I may be doomed to a life of drunken adolescence

An adult in age, but a juvenile at heart

I try and rage against the things that I do not like

But the anger does not come, merely apathy

I hope to any and every god that this will pass

“Untitled” 14

1 May 2020

My friends are around, but I feel neglected

Maybe not neglected, but certainly disconnected

They talk about everything and nothing

But I cannot seem to give a damn

They are good friends, and that is hard to find

But it seems we are moving past the point

Where we would talk all night, into the morning

Or maybe I am just moving on past the past

I love them to death; I would do anything for them

But I do not find the same joy in talking to them that I used to

Am I getting more mature? Am I subconsciously distancing myself?

Either way, I do not know, and the not knowing scares the shit out of me

“Untitled” 13

25 Apr 2020

I wish I had deployed

I wish I had gone downrange

I wish I had caught a bullet

I wish I had died

It would be easier to explain

I would not have to explain myself

I could live in peace, fully dead

No one would have to listen to my shit

I would not have to think about to my future

I could just exist

Let me die please

Let it all end

Make it the fault of the Army

My ma would get 400k

I would get peace

It would be a win-win

I do not matter as much as people think

They do not either

No one is prepared for the meaningless of life

At least I semi-accept it

I will be here to the end

Dead or alive, I will be here till the end

“Untitled” 12

23 Apr 2020

Lost, helpless, in the void

I search for meaning

But find very little

It is why I took to the Army

Hatred provides great meaning

To kill the enemy is a great motivator

I find little motivation in daily life

Maybe years of being denied have taught me

To never expect anything, to only do the minimum

But I know, somewhere deep in my soul

If I found a worthy cause

I could dedicate my life and self to it

But that has not come around

I am disenchanted with life

The most enchanting of promises of all

Somehow I find it dull, small, not worth it

I hope to find greater meaning one day

Maybe I will not find anything more

But I will try, and try, and try

Until the day my husk of skin is finally liberated

Until my attention seeking, drab, destructive conscious

Finally leaves this God-forsaken Earth and body

I will do all I can, until my breath leaves, and silence reigns

“Untitled” 11

23 Apr 2020

I love my friends

They are truly the best

Still, they do not quite understand me

I have to hold something back

Otherwise, I bring them down

Or maybe I kill the vibe

Either way, they do not understand me

I am only searching for understanding

Someone to see the weird contradictions within me

And be able to make sense of them

I cannot make sense of them

Otherwise, I would be far gone

To a happier, more saccharine place

This darkness, these shadows, these farces

They live inside of me

I have not found someone able to level

No one to see me for me

That is all I am asking for

Anyone, anything, please understand me

I am in need, and there is no market for me to peruse

“Untitled” 10

23 Apr 2020

Desperately trying to solve everyone’s problems

Still unable to find a solution for mine own

I give the best advice I can

But what good is it from a hypocrite?

I cannot be trusted as far as I can be thrown

I do not follow my own advice, I cannot

Everything I say is hopefully fairly sound

But sound is not enough for me

I need something more

I need a guarantee, something solid

But there is nothing solid around these days

I need to find it

I need to escape this slowly sucking quicksand

I need to let lie what lie, to be calm, and not move

But not moving feels like wastefulness

And moving only draws me deeper

This backwards world has got me fucked up

Has got me so twisted I look like an owl

One day, maybe, I will find what I am looking for

Until then, I will try and hold my own

Once the façade falls, so will I

Until that day comes, I will do the best I can

Until my lungs cannot breathe

Until my brain cannot think

Until my heart cannot beat

I will fight to the end